Today's 2 Minute Read
healing but not healed
Early in March, there was an unanticipated cold snap. On icy days, groundskeepers put down rock salt on the various college-owned properties in our small community. When I came home from work, I felt my foot slip a little on the concrete area right outside my door, but it didn’t register. My dog Jack woke me up for a 3am pee break. We went outside, and I placed my foot on the black ice. My left knee came down hard. I was sure it was broken. Because the knee pain was so bad, I did not realize that my ankle had rolled until much later. As I army crawled back into the apartment, I hoped that Jack would eventually come back. I made a mental note to let the downstairs neighbors know that there may be poop in the front yard, because I could not tend to it at the moment. It was a weird thing to think about during an emergency. Somehow, I managed to get back up the stairs with my dog and make it back down to my car and to the emergency room. After x-rays, I learned that my knee was fine, but that I had an ankle fracture. When I was a kid, I really yearned for a perfect attendance record each year at school. In a similar vein, I’d hoped to die with all of my bones in mint condition. Unfortunately, here in my mature age, I have broken a finger and now suffered an ankle fracture. For the first few days, I hobbled around on crutches with a crudely made gauze cast. Then, I went to the Orthopedic Urgent Care and was fitted for a boot. I have not had what some may consider a carefree life, but I have never been as uncomfortable as I was in that boot. Fortunately, I was allowed to spend most of that time at home. And by the grace of God, I was able to find a student willing to walk my energetic pup. After the first month, I had another set of x-rays, and the doctor told me that I was healing but not healed. It would be another month of being in the boot, but that phrase kind of stuck with me - healing but not healed. When I fell, the half circle door mat slid out of place. Even though I am usually OCD about things being lined up, I haven’t been able to push it back against the walkway since then. It is almost like a witness that this trauma actually happened. No matter how warm it is or how dry the walkway looks, I always exit my home very cautiously. I am still afraid that there will be ice. The irrational part of my mind says, “How can you be so sure? You didn’t see the ice the first time!” This healing process has made me want to explore other ways in which being in the healing but not healed phase can give us a pause to consider which parts of who you were before the trauma remain and which parts are permanently gone. Out of the boot, I was hoping to start doing a two-step right away, but I am finding that even two weeks later, I have to be patient with myself and take it easy. Now is the time to rebuild. It may take me a few months just to get back to where I was. There is a lesson in all of this, and I am doing my best to comprehend it.
